This has taken more than a year to write.
Because although I’ve composed this dozens of times in my head, when it came down to actually sitting at the laptop words have completely escaped me.
And, I guess, the timing just wasn’t right.
This is for my friend Michelle.
On Dec. 30, 2009, Michelle Lang was in a two-LAV convoy returning to the Canadian Forces base in Kandahar when they hit an IED. She and four soldiers — Garrett Chidley, George Miok, Zachery McCormack and Kirk Taylor — were killed in the blast. Five others were injured.
Three weeks earlier, we were out celebrating my birthday. It was her final weekend before she flew out to Afghanistan for what was expected to be a two-month stint reporting on the conflict in that country for Canwest News. Despite the fact she was less than 72 hours from taking off and had myriad errands to run and things to organize before leaving, she came out for dinner and then drinks, staying out well past bedtime. Friends always came first; that’s just the sort of girl she was.
And she was from the start.
When I moved to Calgary I had arranged for a couple of places to stay in those first few weeks, but there was a four-day gap where I had no plan, hoping to depend on the kindness of another reporter with whom I had a mutual friend. Instead, Michelle stepped in, offering up her couch to me — a virtual stranger — for as much time as I needed. She apologized it wasn’t nicer.
I live in that apartment now. On the night before I was to move in, Michelle stayed up until the early morning to get it into tip-top shape for me because she knew I wasn’t happy about giving up my old place. That’s also the sort of girl she was.
She was a huge supporter of this blog, she wasn’t afraid to scold me over my ever-growing shoe collection or dish out the tough love when it was needed. She offered up praise for a good story or kitchen victory; she listened when things were going sideways; she was my sushi-and-Buffy buddy (take-out and DVDs for a mid-week pick-me-up).
On the day before she left, I called her quickly to say I was going to miss her, to have fun, tell good stories and that I would see her in January. And then I said I would bake whatever she wanted when she was back in Calgary.
“What’s your favourite thing?” I asked.
“Cinnamon rolls,” she replied.
And I promised they would be hers when she returned.
A few weeks after her death, after the repatriation ceremony at CFB Trenton, the funeral in Vancouver and memorial service in Calgary, after the media coverage quieted, I set out to make the cinnamon buns. The fog of grief was still thick and I wanted to do something, some tiny thing, some personal thing, to honour her and follow through on my promise.
I set out to make the cinnamon rolls.
They were a complete failure. As in, the dough didn’t rise at all. Frustrated and angry — at more than just a baking misstep — I threw the hard lump of dough away and broke down. I didn’t attempt them again.
(Yeast-based goods are a downfall for me anyway, hence my love of all things no-knead. Although I did make some no-knead pumpkin cinnamon rolls that were successful, for some reason I feel this neither fulfilled nor broke my promise to make some for Michelle. I guess I figured the fact they were pumpkin made them a different kind of cinnamon bun altogether.)
Leading up to the one-year anniversary of losing Michelle, I started thinking again about those cinnamon rolls and my promise. But I wasn’t ready. I dug my heels in trying to fight against the approaching day — a futile task.
And when it passed I knew it was time.
Michelle, this one is for you.
xo
gwendolyn
(Immense gratitude for the Pioneer Woman who had a recipe that was easy to work with and delicious. Thank you, I needed that.)
Incidentally, these red bowls were a birthday present from Michelle a few years ago. Now, when I pull them out (which I do a lot, since they are awesome ones from Williams-Sonoma), I always think of her.
Pioneer Woman’s Cinnamon Rolls
I have halved this recipe, which still made an insane amount of rolls, as in two 9-inch cake pans’ worth and they were jammed full. This is as I made it, but you can easily double it if you want to feed an army. The glaze/frosting recipe is loosely based on hers, but I changed it quite a bit because I wanted something lemon-y.
- 2 cups milk
- 1/2 cup vegetable oil
- 1/2 cup sugar
- 2 1/2 teaspoons (1 package) active dry yeast
- 4 1/2 cups all-purpose flour, divided
- 1/2 teaspoon, heaping, baking powder
- 1/2 teaspoon, scant, baking soda
- 1 1/2 teaspoons salt
- 1 cup sugar
- 1/2 cup melted butter, plus 2 tablespoons for the pans
- cinnamon
In a large pot, mix the milk, oil and sugar and heat until scalded, just before boiling. Remove from the heat and let it cool until lukewarm, about 45 minutes to 1 hour. Sprinkle over yeast and let sit for a minute. Add in the 4 cups of flour and stir. Cover and let it rise for at least an hour until doubled (or more).
Add the remaining 1/2 cup of flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt. Stir together. (I had to knead it a little bit to get all the remaining dry ingredients worked in.)
Sprinkle the area where you’re going to roll out the dough generously with flour. Divide the dough in half and roll it thin into a rough rectangle. Drizzle half the melted butter over the dough and then sprinkle half of the sugar and a generous dose of cinnamon. (I went too easy on it and wish I had used more. Don’t be afraid!) Roll the dough in a neat, tight line and then pinch the seam together to seal it. Slice the rolls into even pieces, about 1-inch wide. (Mine were probably closer to 1 1/2-inches.)
Spread 1 tablespoon of melted butter into a cake or pie pan (she calls for 7-inch pans; I used 9-inch ones) and lay in the rolled dough slices. Let them rise for 20 to 30 minutes.
Preheat oven to 375.
Bake rolls until light golden brown, about 15 to 18 minutes.
Lemon Glaze
- 1/2 bag powdered (icing) sugar
- zest and juice of 1 lemon
- pinch or two of salt
- 1/4 – 1/2 cup milk
- 2 tablespoons melted butter
Mix all the ingredients together. Add more milk if the mixture is too thick or more sugar if it is too runny.
Pour over the rolls when they are still slightly warm.
41 Comments
Thanks for writing this post. Made me tear up.
Beautiful post, Gwendolyn. And a lovely gesture for Michelle’s birthday. She’s missed. xoxo
Great post, great recipe, great tribute.
Beautiful post. I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. This post is a wonderful tribute to her. Even though I don’t know either of you, I can totally see the friendship you had.
Came here from Twitter, what a heartwarming tribute.
Oh Gwendolyn, that was beautiful. I can only imagine how tough it was to write – I’m sitting here in tears just reading it. The cinnamon rolls look perfect. I’m sure Michelle would love them! xo
GR, these are so yummy. I munched on one last night on the cop desk. They are delicious. Perfect day for a Michelle post… xo
Beautiful. Hope the cooking and the writing brought you comfort. xo
What a lovely post and a heartfelt way to honour your friend. My thoughts are with you.
Very nice birthday tribute. I only wish I got to try one of those cinnamon buns.
Directed here from Twitter by @celiacteen.
What a wonderful way to honor your friend’s memory and the promise you made to her.
wow… beautiful tribute
Gorgeous, in every way.
And I’m totally in love with that one cinnamon roll trying to make a break for it.
Let’s get together and bake again.
I am so sorry for the loss of your dear friend. Your cinnamon rolls look amazing! Thank you for sharing!
What a beautiful tribute to your friend. I’m so sorry for your loss. The rolls looks fabulous. I think your friend would have loved them.
In tears. I remember that night well and much admiring Michelle. Thank you for putting part of that in words.
Just perfect Gwendolyn, both the tribute and the recipe – I too will think of Michelle when I make these. Thanks for sharing.
A gorgeous post for Michelle. You’re so talented, Gwendolyn.
A beautiful tribute to a beautiful woman. Thank you for this.
Classy recipe for a classy woman from another classy woman. And a lovely piece of writing, too. A tribute to you, to Langer and, yes, to cinnamon rolls.
Thank you so much for writing this post and sharing the cinnamon buns with the newsroom. I’m rather embarrassed how I inhaled them and licked the plate. They’re that good.
Lovely post, Gwendolyn. Sending warm thoughts your way.
who knew one could so stunningly combine a recipie and a misty-eye making tribute to a friend….
Awesome tribute, I’m all salty with tears and craving lemony cinnamon sugarness.
This is such a moving post. What an amazing tribute to your friend Michelle. Thinking of you.
Gwen, this is just so beautiful. I never knew Michelle, but I get teary when you speak of her. She was lucky to be loved so dearly.
i love that michelle gave you your trademark red bowls that we see in the header picture whenever we come to the site. this post is such a lovely tribute to your friend.
in toronto we’re supposed to get 20-30 cms of snow tonight, so i think these will be a perfect snow day baking project tomorrow.
There are no words. Michelle was a friend of many friends of mine, and I only wish I could have known her better. I was in the studio on that Dec 30 when the news came, when a co-worker broke down having to report it. She made such a huge impact on so many. Her choice in friends and baked goods is further evidence that she was a wonderful human being. I’ll certainly never forget her. xo
What a touching post, fortunately tissues close by. A beautifully written tribute to someone who was obviously such a dear friend.
what a lovely post. i’m sure she would have loved them.
ohmygod, I remember hearing about Michelle on the news in 2009 (I was in Toronto; now near Montreal) and at the time I felt so sad about it, even though she was a total stranger to me. I had mentioned to my brother that it was such a senseless death. It’s really strange to now hear about the other side of her, the real person that she was. I’m very sorry that you had to lose her in that way, but glad that you’re finding a way to get through the grief. Stay strong!
This was a lovely post!
I remember 30 December 2009. That was a hard day for CF members, as well as those of us who know and love them. This was a really great tribute. She is missed.
A lovely way to tribute your friend, it almost made me cry. Thanks for sharing the story.
Carina, Sweden
You are an amazing friend.
Those look amazing. I am so sorry for your loss.
http://pantrychef.wordpress.com
:*(
Thank you for sharing. I’ve read much about Michelle, and I’m sorry I never got to meet her. Something tells me that we would have got along like wildfire. I lost my best friend, oddly enough, named Michelle as well. This was a wonderful and beautiful tribute.
Have you tried the Bacon Cinnamon Buns from Cinnzeo?? They’re really good too! here’s what I thought about the Bacon Rolls
Thanks for your heartfelt story. I shall make these and think of your friend…